


Hate is my Accidental Forte

by duckhyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Christmas, Confessions, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Realizing Feelings, attempt at comedy, best friend jae, lil bit of angst cause i accidentally got deep, yuta is a butthead with his feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-19 23:42:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13134654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duckhyuck/pseuds/duckhyuck
Summary: “If she breathe she a thot!!”“Is that why you suck at holding your breath Yuta?”“Hey, Doyoung! Shut the fuck up!”





	Hate is my Accidental Forte

**Author's Note:**

> well I had to write something to get back into the feeling of it all after the worst week of my life. I hope everyone is doing well now, that recent news hit me like a ton of bricks. But I'm okay as I wish you guys are too.
> 
> this is not the xmas fic i was hoping to produce adsafdsakvl
> 
> happy holidays everyone

“I hate Doyoung!”

“ _Mhm”_

“Stop _mhming_!!! Take me seriously old man!”

“Yuta!” Taeyong slams his book down on the kitchen table, his eyes blasting holes through Yuta’s own. “Stop it, just stop it. If you hate him so much, then just fucking ignore him. I don’t wanna hear it anymore! Not on my holidays!”

Yuta huffs and in a mimicking voice he repeats Taeyong’s bit about hating and ignoring. He jumps up off the couch and enters the kitchen to pour the rest of his cooled coffee down the drain. He leaves the mug in the sink and plans to leave it there for a whole three days just to piss Taeyong off.

“You better clean that fucking mug!” Taeyong yells.

“Eat my entire ass TY!”

“Ask Doyoung you prick!”

Yuta falls back into his room. If Taeyong wants to be left alone, then so be it. He’ll hang out with someone else instead. He grabs his phone of his dresser and flops back onto his bed.

 

**To: Bread @10:47am**

_u awake?_

**From: Bread @10:52am**

_Ye wuts up ^-^_

Yuta will admit to hating how disgustingly cheerful Jaehyun always sounds through text.

**To: Bread @10:52am**

_Im gonna rip my individual arm hairs off and ty doesn’t care anymore_

**To: Bread @10:53am**

_Meet me at the bookstore_

**From: Bread @10:53am**

_Who said i would care :0_

**To: Bread @10:53am**

_Ha u don’t have to i just know u need an excuse to see the cashier again,,,and while were there ur gonna listen to me whine_

**To: Bread @10:53am**

_Also u need to stop hangin with me, my insulting texting manner is rubbing off on u, u piece of soap_

**From: Bread @10:5am**

_:3c_

“Close your mouth hun, you don’t want him mopping your drool.”

Jaehyun flushes all the way to the tips of his ears. “Shu-shut up.” He murmurs.

“Awwww, you really did pick a cutie to have such a crush on.” Yuta glances over at the person working the till. He’s small with a soft look in his eyes. Over all a very warm aura swims around him. “How’d you even get interested in this guy?” Yuta picks up a book to look over.

Jaehyun smiles instantly, “I was in the science section and I was looking at space books, he came around the corner with some books in his hands to restock. He looked like he was having a hard time so I offered a hand with the few that needed to be placed on the top shelf. They were a bunch of books on the moon so in the moment I casually said _oh I love the moon_ and then he said _thanks_ and pointed to his name tag which deadass had _Moon Taeil_ written on it.”

“Never say _deadass_ again, also that’s mad cheesy. I’m glad you found someone as awkward as you.” Yuta puts the book he was looking at back down.

“Hey, don’t be mean to me! I’m about to listen to you sob over Doyoung and this is how you treat me!?”

Yuta chokes, “How’d you know it was about him!”

Jaehyun’s face falls flat, “When is it ever not about him?”

“Well fuck you then.” Yuta mutters under his breath.

“C’mon lets go to the cafe part, I’ll by you a drink since Taeyong obviously hurt your feelings this morning too.”

Yuta feels like he always says the same things and its making him start to question the reality of this hate. His shameful pride on the other hand says he can’t relent because this passionate vehemence all started for a reason, right?

Jaehyun listens, poor soul, used to it all by now.

“You know Yuta, you’re becoming a little consumed with it all and to be honest saying _just because_ isn’t a very good reason anymore. I won’t say that maybe you like him but is there a chance that you’re having a bit of an internal conflict. Possibly over something you don’t want to discover about yourself?”

 _Ouch._ Okay maybe Jaehyun is getting to close to home now and Yuta kind of wants nothing to do with any sliver of the truth so he shies away like always.

Jaehyun just sighs and puts his drink down. “Listen Yuta, whatever it is, we all love you.”

“Who says it has anything to do with just myself?” Yuta spits, he’s getting irritated now because Jaehyun isn’t backing off.

“Yuta.” Jaehyun says with a stiff voice and it almost makes Yuta spill his drink. “Doyoung has literally done nothing to you. Every comment he makes is due to your provocation. In fact on numerous occasions you’ve actually hurt Doyoung’s feelings but he was too afraid to seem weak in front of you.”

That bit of information hits Yuta like a truck. His chest aches with guilt, which wouldn’t make sense if this hatred for the other was real and pure.

Jaehyun must see the distress in him because his eyes soften and he reaches out for one of his hands. “Listen Yu, Doyoung doesn’t hate you but you going around and always tearing a strip off him might make him. And personally, I don’t think you would actually want that to happen.”

Yuta’s mouth opens but it closes just as quick, he doesn’t know what to say. He’s not sure what any of this means.

“I think you should just go home and think about it, okay?” Jaehyun gives his hand one more gentle squeeze. “If you comeback with a valid reason for hating him then congratulations but I have a feeling that pondering this might lead you somewhere else.”

Yuta starts sweating and squirming in his seat. The lump in his throat grows in size and he feels a little bit terrified.

Jaehyun, the magical mood reader gives him one last comment to ease himself upon.

“And if it turns out that you end up somewhere else, figuring something out that you weren’t expecting or ready for, I’ll be here for you.”

 

000

 

“Yuta are you ready?”

“Yeah I’m good!” Yuta pulls his sweater over his head. He went with a plain look tonight, black jeans and a grey knit.  Jaehyun decided to host a late night Christmas party this year. The group is small, so everyone invited almost always attends. Yuta won’t be surprised if he sees the Moon cashier show up though.

“Let’s get going.” Taeyong calls out.

“Alrighty,” Yuta slips on his shoes, “let’s do this.”

Okay so, yes, Yuta knew he was going to be there but that doesn’t stop his stress levels from almost hitting peak. Taeyong hits his back and tells him to stay out of trouble but that only sets him over the top even further. He fakes it for now, integrates quietly into the chatter.

See the problem is, Yuta really did go home that day to think about it. What he found out wasn’t quite shitty but it made him feel shitty as fuck. He didn’t think there’d be a problem with it all considering he never batted an eye over Jaehyun being so overtly and shamelessly gay but when it came to him discovering himself...he felt different.

He had three whole days to let it sink in that he’s gay. What did that have to do with Doyoung? Well he was the catalyst in all of this because Yuta has finally recognized his big fat crush on the other and it’s absolutely terrifying. He hates it, he feels weird about it and he knows he shouldn’t but he can’t help but decide that this shouldn’t be the way he is. The thing is, life doesn’t work that way and he can’t just throw himself into a straight relationship expecting happiness.

So he sits down on an empty spot on the couch and keeps his eyes to himself. He’s told Jaehyun nothing so far but he knows the other has an inkling of an idea of what Yuta is going through at the moment. Someone passes him alcohol and he knocks it back, he didn’t want to get drunk but he likes the idea of it now. He makes sure to get a second, third and fourth for good measure. He’s an easy lightweight.

To no one’s surprise the cashier shows up, making Jaehyun’s dimples appear almost permanently for the whole night. It’s cute, everyone looks on fondly. The rest of the guys are single except for Taeyong who’s with Seulgi. Seulgi herself is no outlier to the group; she attended college with the majority of them, the designated heavyweight as well. Yuta likes her the most sometimes, easy to confide in. He might steal her away from one of her dates with Taeyong this coming week just to chat.

The night moves on nicely, Yuta has done a great job of keeping his eyes on the floor. Everyone else is playing along well and not asking him what’s wrong. He is keeping the pity party to a minimum, laughing and joking here and there to keep a semblance of normality around him.

He’s definitely tipsy now but not as much as he thought he would be, the alcohol content must have been low in those drinks. He gets up from his seat and slinks off to the bathroom. He needs a break from the bright setting, he doesn’t notice someone trailing him. The only bathroom in Jaehyun’s flat is the one in the master bedroom, which makes it feel privacy impeding. He’s known Jaehyun for too long though to understand that the kid literally has nothing to hide except for that one magazine with a shirtless Chris Hemsworth on it. Which, to everyone, was not as scandalous as Jaehyun had thought it to be.

He shuts the bathroom door with a soft click and turns the tap on. He splashes some cool water on his face and takes a breather. _Fuck this_ he whispers. Now he’s feeling pathetic for not even being able to look in Doyoung’s general direction.

He dries his face and rolls his shoulders a couple times, psyching himself up to just go back out there and sit. When he opens the door he yelps and stumbles back inward.

There he is, in all his glory. He’s dressed in a cute sweater vest, no glasses, it’s contacts this time.

Yuta wants to cry, like he has been for the past three days. Doyoung looks cute and internally he’s been screaming _fuck_ for a whole twenty seconds. He’s just about to shove the other man aside and make a dash when Doyoung puts a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Yuta, are you alright?”

See, Yuta should try and be nice but that internal hate is bubbling up again and he has no idea how to articulate a kind response.

“Why the fuck wouldn’t I be Doyoung?” He expects Doyoung to fight back or just let him go but he doesn’t. His eyes fill with worry instead.

“I don’t know,” he says softly, as if he were afraid, “you just haven’t been your usual self.”

That’ new. That’s really new and now Yuta has to handle the fact that Doyoung isn’t even aggravating him on anymore, he’s genuinely worried. How can he be an asshole now? How could he have been such an asshole this whole time? So much god damn regret.

“Yuta you’re crying.” The grip on his shoulder tightens. “Yuta are you sure you’re alright?”

He’s just staring at the other, Doyoung’s concern is melting him and all he wants to do is fall through eight floors and die. “I’m...I’m...

Doyoung pulls him in knowing full well Yuta’s never gonna get it out. The almighty Nakamoto is finally tongue tied.

Yuta inhales Doyoung’s scent, he smells like fabric softener and gingerbread. It makes sense since he’d brought a whole batch of homemade cookies. Most of all, in his embrace he feels safe, a little piece of him still worries and feels that disgust but Yuta thinks he wants to overcome it. He’s never backed down from a challenge before anyway.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Doyoung tries, voice soothing. “I know I’m not your favourite person but I thought I’d try—

“I like boys.” Yuta says, almost completely muffled by Doyoung’s sweater vest.

“Oh.” Doyoung’s body stiffens then relaxes. “Well so do I. There’s nothing wrong with—

“It makes me feel gross.”

“Oh.” Doyoung repeats. There’s a short moment of silence that stretches between them. Yuta gets a chance to even out his breathing. “How did you figure this all out?”

Yuta pulls away a bit so he can see Doyoung’s eyes, all big and round and pretty. “I don’t hate you Doyoung.”

Doyoung seems taken aback. “Thank you?” He stutters out in confusion. “What does this have to do with—

“I like you.” Yuta breathes in deep. It sounds so wrong coming from his mouth, he’s sure he’s gonna make Doyoung feel like shit. It looks like he’s playing around with him. Though Doyoung hasn’t laughed, this is a good sign. He’s still listening intently.

“I like you Doyoung and because of that I was a real fucking prick. I didn’t like that it was you that made my chest hurt so much, I had to make you feel just as much pain as I did.”

Doyoung stands stunned.

Yuta balls his hands into fists, tears threatening the edge once again. “I hate it and I hate that I hate it. I also really hate that I made you feel like shit.” Yuta huffs and looks to the right. “God why is this so hard?” His voice strains, “I want to say I’m sorry for making you think that I hated you and for being so cruel to you. Most of all, I won’t be offended if you really do hate me, you have all the reason.” Yuta looks back down at his feet, shoulders slumping in a weird feeling of defeat.

“You did make me feel like shit.” Doyoung says, his eyes trained on Yuta. It makes him feel so terribly small. “You did but it was only because I liked you so much. I didn’t know how to cope with you randomly picking on me so I just thought to fight back, which I don’t think it made anything better. It just pressed you on, made me like your opponent or something.”

Doyoung extends a hand, Yuta accepts it and gets pulled closer to Doyoung who’s still under the door frame.

“I don’t want us to be mean to each other but I also don’t want you to feel gross around me. Especially when I like you back.”

That makes Yuta look up.

“I think we’ve both made some hurtful mistakes. I don’t want to just shove you out though, I want to be the friends I was hoping we would be back when we met.”

Yuta just nods his head in understanding.

“And it seemed silly of me because when we started going off on each other I was still hoping that it would change, that we’d get closer and somehow, I don’t know...make it past friendship.”

Another tear finally slips out and Yuta rushes to wipe it away. “Doyoung I’m so fucking sorry I—

“Yuta I’m still up for it if you want. Friends first of course but I’m so willing to try.”

A few more tears spill over but he doesn’t try and wipe them away this time because Doyoung’s now crying a little bit too and it’s okay if they’re both messes.

“I think I’d like that.” Yuta replies, he really would, nice and slow so that he can learn to hate this beautiful part about him a little less. He thinks he can do it no problem if it’s Doyoung by his side guiding him along. He feels himself get pulled even closer to Doyoung and his thoughts are broken off by voice.

“But hey, look up.”

Yuta does and hanging from the door frame is piece of mistletoe, little sparkles in it reflect off the bathroom light. He looks back at Doyoung whose cheeks are just so slightly pink.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything.” Doyoung says voice just above a whisper. “Nothing at all but it will be an end to your male virgin lips.”

Yuta snorts at that. “I’d like that.” Yuta whispers, he can feel his own cheeks warming. “One day, it can mean something though, right?”

Doyoung leans a little closer, his breath ghosts over Yuta’s lips when he speaks. “Of course.”

Then they meet lips on lips. It’s just a gentle press and it feels a little colder and wetter than Yuta was anticipating but nonetheless it’s wonderful. He knows he’s tense but the hand caressing his back lets him know it’s okay. His heart beats fast and he really is feeling scared but he’s got a lot of hope in himself as well. It’s going to be okay he thinks.

 

000

 

“That mistletoe was technically meant for you but I think this, in the long term is better.” Jaehyun sighs.

Taeil flushes from head to toe. “This tour to your bathroom is becoming more interesting by the minute.”

Jaehyun laughs softly and turns to the smaller. “Is that right? Well then I don’t want to be the one that lets the adventure go away." He leans down and presses a quick peck to the corner of Taeil’s mouth. The shorter one gasps and brings the tips of his fingers up to the area of claim.

Jaehyun laughs again at the shorter one’s cute reaction. He pulls him into a warm embrace. He takes one last glance at Yuta and Doyoung under the mistletoe. He sees Doyoung’s hands moving to hold Yuta’s face so delicately and his chest fills with warmth. The two whisper something to each other and smile. It makes Jaehyun surge with happiness. Then he looks back down at the little ball of happiness in his arms. Taeil is smiling back up at him.

“Merry Christmas Taeil.”

“Merry Christmas Jaehyun.”

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed, kudos and comments are mad appreciated, i love u all
> 
> also im sorry the summary wasn't an actual quote from the fic but just consider that as something they would have bickered about before ahdksvidsavsdv thanks!


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